HOW THE END OF THE WORLD WILL BE REPORTED:
USA Today:
WE'RE DEAD
The Wall Street Journal:
DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
National Enquirer:
O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN
Playboy:
GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft Systems Journal:
APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
Victoria's Secret Catalog:
OUR FINAL SALE
Sports Illustrated:
GAME OVER
Wired:
THE LAST NEW THING
Rolling Stone:
THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
Readers Digest:
'BYE
Discover Magazine:
HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE
VIEW THE COSMOS?
TV Guide:
DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!
Lady's Home Journal:
LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!
America Online:
SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.
Inc. magazine:
TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
Microsoft's Web Site:
IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE.
NEWS FLASH!
ALIEN MESSAGE DECODED
Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization:
Simply send 6 x 10 to the 50 atoms of Hydrogen to the Star System at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your Star System at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other Star Systems. Within one-tenth of a Galactic Rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!
Any civilization breaking the chain will suffer severe bad luck, such as falling under the rule of Slartibartfast (alias Dan Quale) for 1,000 years, elimination of the fundamental elements Chocolate and P-Nut Butter from their periodic tables and real-estate devastation due to WASP blockbusting.
BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1998
1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
2. Something Went Wrong in Jet crash, Experts Say
3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
6. Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?
7. Would-be Women Priests Appeal to Pope
8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death
14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
15. Stolen Painting Found By Tree
16. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years in Checkout Line
17. War Dims Hope for Peace
18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
20. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Large Test Group
22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space
23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
MERGERS IN THE NEWS:
A number of years ago there was a proposed merger between Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers. Rumor had it that the new company would be called Fairwell Honeychild.
Now a merger is in the works involving Polygraph Records, Warner Brothers and Keebler. It will be called Poly-Warner-Cracker.
There has long been a rumor that W. R. Grace Co. was going to buy the Fuller Brush Co. and Mary Kay Cosmetics and then merge with Hale Business Systems. This would result in the new mega-corporation Hale Mary Fuller Grace.
Don't forget the failed merger between Yahoo and Netscape: Net'n'Yahoo. It didn't work out because they were afraid they would have to relocate the headquarters to Tel Aviv.
Others in the works:
3M & Goodyear = mmmGood
John Deere & Abitibi-Price = Deere Abi
Honeywell & Imasco & Home Oil = Honey, I'm Home
Denison Mines & Alliance & Metal Mining = Mine, All Mine
3M & JC Penney & Canadian Opera Company = 3 Penney Opera
Grey Poupon & Dockers Pants = Poupon Pants
Knott's Berry Farm & National Organization of Women = Knott NOW
Crabtree & Evelyn and Apple Computer = Crab Apple
Swissair & Cheseborough-Ponds = Swisscheese
Zippo Manufacturing & Audi & Dofasco & Dakota Mining = Zip Audi Do Da
Goodyear Rubber & Haband: RubberBand
National Organization of Women and People for the American Way: NO Way
John Deere, Apple Computer and Asgrow Seed: JohnnyAppleSeed
J.P. Morgan and Fairchild Electronics: Morgan Fairchild
WALL STREET NEWS
It was a crazy year on Wall Street:
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remained unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.
3 new bonds are being issued:
Lewinsky bond: Has no maturity
Gore bond: Has no interest
Clinton bond: Has no principle.
CLASSIFIEDS
"Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything."
DECODING PERSONAL
ADS
A handy guide for decoding the real meaning behind the phrases commonly
used in personal ads
TRANSLATIONS FOR ADS BY MEN:
40-ish: 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic: Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average-looking: Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back
Educated: Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit: Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first: As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun: Good with a remote and a six-pack
Good-looking: Arrogant
Honest: Pathological Liar
Huggable: Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Likes to cuddle: Insecure, overly dependent
Likes to travel: Has to keep ahead of creditors
Mature: Until you get to know him
Open-minded: Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not interested
Physically fit: Spends a lot of time in front of mirror admiring himself
Poet: Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual: Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable: Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Stay-at-home: Must stay in touch with parole officer
Thoughtful: Says, "please" when demanding a beer
TRANSLATIONS FOR ADS BY WOMEN:
40-ish: 48
Adventurer: Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic: Flat-chested
Average-looking: Ugly
Beautiful: Pathological liar
Contagious Smile: Bring your penicillin
Educated: College dropout
Emotionally secure: Medicated
Free spirit: Substance user
Friendship first: Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun: Annoying
Gentle: Comatose
Good Listener: Borderline autistic
New-Age: All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned: Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded: Desperate
Outgoing: Loud
Passionate: Loud
Poet: Depressive schizophrenic
Redhead: Shops the Clairol section
Romantic: Looks better by candlelight
Wants Soul Mate: One step away from stalking
